(Also known as…

Oh goody! A chance to see if I actually believe the things that I say I do.)

Because I say that I believe that the end all, behind all, before all, around all, is Love. That Love is greater than all of my fears. That Love cares for me, has cared for me every moment I’ve had breath and will be with me until the end of this life and on into the next one, too, whatever that will look like.

Except then I have a day like a day I had this week, when something that I have counted on for years is suddenly feeling not quite so stable.

This gutted me.

I am then forced to acknowledge that when something like this devastates me, that I was trusting the Thing and not Love. Because if I was rooted and grounded in Love? A change like this would merely be a reason for curiosity! “How interesting,” I would say to myself, “I wonder how Love is going to walk with me through this new thing? Another adventure! Cool!”

But no! Instead, I cry and maybe swear a little and worry and perseverate.

There was a difficult conversation that I did not handle well.

Life happens and pop quizzes show up and I get to see how much growth potential I still have. Hurray! Still quite a bit!

So what then?

Do I believe in Love?

Because if I do? Then this brewing storm that feels like it could destroy me, or at least upend life as I have enjoyed it? It’s nothing to worry about. Jesus who I say I follow tells me not to worry. He actually kind of commands it. And Paul that grumpy apostle says that nothing can separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus.

Nothing.

Not the thing that sideswiped me this week.

Not the things that will sideswipe me tomorrow and the next day and the next.

The thing that gutted me this week: who knows how everything will unfold? But I get to see how Love shows up. Because Love promises to hold me. I believe this. I think I do, anyway. Which reminds me of a prayer that helps me feel better about all my doubting, one first uttered to Jesus by the father of a sick boy many years ago. “I believe,” the father said to Jesus. “Help my unbelief.” (Mark 9:24).

Me too, Jesus.

Me too.