Presence

Tinnitus and the Beautiful Ordinary

July 31, 2021

Even grateful for a big cat named Milo, who likes to drink out of a green cup in the big bathtub.

I woke up one morning this week with a strange ringing in my right ear.

Now, I have had tinnitus in both my ears for just about as long as I can remember. It generally doesn’t bother me much. I go through my days, my weeks, and hardly notice it. In fact, I forget about it for long stretches of time. That morning, though, I had a strange sound breakthrough. It was loud enough to wake me up, and it stayed with me most of the day. It is hard to describe: there was a hum that was louder than usual, along with a  kind of whistle that only showed up with sounds that had a higher pitch. So, when I tried to listen to a podcast on my drive to work, some of the host’s words sounded squealy. When I was doing massages in the afternoon with my “spa music” playlist, and a song with high tinkly piano notes came on, those sounds reverberated. Plus, the lower, constant tone was louder than normal. It was bad enough to almost block out all the normal tinnitus noise from my left ear. That never happens. That didn’t feel good.

It was enough to make me a little crazy. Continue Reading…

Presence

Grace for my Pre-Pandemic (and Current) Self

July 24, 2021

I walked a lot last year during the pandemic. I met my goal of 6500 steps just about every day without any problem. In fact, I had many months in 2020 and at the start of this year where I logged considerably more than 200,000 steps a month. My best month, according to my phone step counter, was May 2020, when I walked more than 240,000 steps. That’s an average of  at least 7500 steps, every day of the month.

Recently, my pandemic self, who walked a lot, started to look back on my pre-pandemic self a little harshly. What was wrong with me before? I thought. Why were there so many days on my earlier walking calendars where I didn’t get 3000 steps in, much less 6500?  There were even days when I failed to make it to 2000 steps. How was that possible? My pandemic self was proud of my commitment to walking and decided that perhaps one of the gifts of the pandemic for me was the gift of discipline! Of showing up for myself in a healthier, more positive way!

Today, I only have 1638 steps on my app. There is no way I will meet my goal. And while I am a little disappointed in myself, I am starting to remember why there were so many days in my pre-pandemic life when I didn’t get all my steps in.

I was busy. Also? I was tired. Continue Reading…