Not a Cruise Ship Day

Some days are cruise ship days, and some days are not.

My wise friends remind me that life is a 50/50 deal, with 50 percent of all the things being wonderful, and 50 percent not so much.

Kind of having a “not so much” day.

Woke up, turned on the magical hot water heating pot, and was dismayed when it didn’t light up like usual.  Since buying that tea pot at Christmas, one of my favorite things in the morning has been to stumble into the kitchen and simply push a button to heat my my tea water automatically. There was apparently a problem with the outlet. Bother. Went outside to the breaker box, peered inside, poked a few things, but didn’t see anything amiss (although I do not have much faith in my ability to know if something is amiss when it comes to electrical things.) Was running late, so gave up, carried the magical hot water heating pot into the bathroom where the plugs worked fine, and made my tea.

Went to Staples to spend my “$5.00 off any purchase” coupon that they send me once every few months. I’m not sure why they keep doing this, since I hardly go there, except for when I have a coupon like that. But those “$5.00 off” coupons make me happy. It’s a treat to browse the aisles and know I have a little extra to spend on anything I want. Found a package of multi-colored Sharpies, fine point. I love those things! And since they were on sale, they only cost a few dollars after the coupon.

When I reached the cash register, the clerk asked if I would like to make a $5.00 donation to their fund for school supplies for underprivileged children. I said, automatically, without even thinking, “Not today, thanks.”

He said, “Those poor kids!” and then added, “Just kidding!”

I know he was joking, but still.

It made me feel bad.

There were three clerks working. I noticed while waiting that this particular fellow was very boisterous  So friendly!  Kind of too friendly? Especially for so early in the morning. Do you know what I mean? Have you ever interacted with a customer service person who was too helpful?

“Good morning!” he bellowed to the people in front of me. I was hoping that I might be lucky enough to get in another clerk’s line. Possibly the shaggy haired, quiet teenager at the end?

Nope.

Hollering man called me over.

Maybe I felt a little worse about not making a donation because I had that coupon? Like how stingy am I, to spend my free money on a treat for myself and ignore the poor pencil-less children?

I imagine that store management is requiring cashiers to ask customers if they would like to donate to the school supplies campaign. I couldn’t tell you if the other cashiers did, though; they weren’t as loud as my fellow. It made me remember how much I hated having to repeat a specific script at jobs I’ve had in the past.

When I worked at Chevy’s years ago, we had to say “Fresh Mex” at least one time (possibly more?) within two minutes of visiting our tables or we risked getting black marks on our shopper reports, in case our guest was a paid evaluator.

Did you know that many industries hire secret shoppers to evaluate their workers?  The threat of getting a shopper at your table was highly stressful back in the day. What if I did it wrong? What if I forgot to say Fresh Mex or my busboy didn’t get chips and salsa on the table within two minutes of my customers beings seated? What if the tortillas coming off the tortilla making machine were not hot and fresh enough? Management used to post shopper reports on the back bulletin boards. There would be praise for employees who scored well and shame for those who didn’t.

Hard to say if the Staples cashiers these days worry about getting “shopped,” as we used to call it. Maybe there is less stress about these now because there are many open positions. Employees know that they are needed, that there are not enough of them.  So what if they get a negative shopper report, they might think.  You probably won’t fire me. Because you need me now more than I need you.

Or something like that.

That was the beginning of my day: an outlet that didn’t function, a strange encounter in the Staples check-out line. I carried the worry about the misfunctioning outlet all day long. Then the Staples interaction took away some of my joy over finding those bright colored fine point Sharpies. Honestly, even before that,  I had woken up anxious and a little sad. Reentry after a lovely vacation can sometimes do that to you, no?  Maybe that’s why the cashier’s remark about “those poor kids” cut deeper than it normally would have. It poked a sore spot that I have about money and generosity, of giving and trusting that I will be cared for, and guilt that I don’t give enough.  I just got back from a cruise, after all. Shouldn’t I have made that $5.00 donation?

My wise spiritual director says to watch out for the “shoulds.” I think she may even have told me to stop “shouding” on myself.

Yes. But I wonder what it would be like to have a heart that automatically said yes when asked for a donation. I wonder what it would be like to not even think twice.