Presence

Searching for “Enough”

October 14, 2023

I planted dahlia tubers too late in the season. They were from the last bag that Costco had and were on sale early in the summer. Somehow, they managed to bloom anyway. Just a surprising place where hope showed up. Also? These flowers have nothing to do with the post that follows.

Here is something I would like to change. I would like to feel better about myself on days when I don’t accomplish much.

I had one of those days today, and I’m not feeling so great.

I’m feeling guilty. I’m “shoulding” on myself, something my wise spiritual director says not to do. She is not a fan of the “shoulds.” I seem to “should” on myself a lot anyway.

I should have gone for a run. If not that, then at least I should have gone for a walk. If not that, then God help me, at least I should have walked around the house enough to log more than 1142 steps, which is all that’s showing up on my phone’s step tracker. I should have worked on my book. I should have gone out to the garden and picked the basil and made pesto. I have enough basil out there to make enough pesto to freeze some. I definitely should have done that. There are tomatoes to pick. I should freeze those, too. It’d be nice to have garden tomatoes for soups when winter comes.

There are one hundred other yard chores I should have done. Winter is coming and my yard isn’t ready.

Should should should.

It’s exhausting.

I do not think that this constant internal drive to achieve is healthy. I also do not think that it is Godly.

Even the good Lord didn’t create the entire world in one day, and being God and all, it seems like she probably could have.

It took her six, and then after all of that, she set aside a day for rest, if you read the story of creation in the Bible. If the good Lord rests one day a week and didn’t try to get it all done as fast as possible, then what is making me think that I should be doing more than I do every day?

Why can’t I think about my day as a day of rest and feel happy about it?

Part of me knows that it’s OK to have quiet days, Netflix days, stay inside in your pajamas until noon days. Another part of me is fairly certain I’m a lazy sluggard on the road to ruination. Continue Reading…

Presence, Success

Sometimes Things Just Don’t Work

October 7, 2023

It started with the iced tea.

I ordered unsweetened iced tea with lemon at a McDonald’s when driving home from picking up my daughter in Oregon a few weeks ago. We waited in the drive-thru line for longer than you want to wait at McDonald’s. After we finally got our drinks, I took a sip and immediately had to park the car and go back inside. Because it was not unsweetened tea with lemon. It was terrible sweet tea. So I trudged inside, and since all the workers at the counter were busy, I walked back to the drink area, dumped out the sweet tea, refilled my cup with blessed unsweetened tea, and headed back to the car without saying anything to anybody. I hope they didn’t think that I was stealing tea. But nobody should ever have to drink that sweet stuff unless they order it.

It was not the first time that this had happened to me at a McDonald’s, and I normally wouldn’t have thought much about it. But in retrospect, it was the beginning of a series of strange events that have occurred with regularity these last weeks.

I ordered a book from eBay, which is also something that I’ve done many times. I was so excited to finally read it! When it arrived, I opened it, and it was the wrong one.

I needed my doctor to send a referral to a specialist in Roseville (time to get my hearing tested). The specialist’s office never called me. I finally called them and they said they had never received the referral. I emailed the doctor again, and she said that she had sent one, and guess what? I found the spot on the on-line portal where it showed referrals, and she was right. But I had to call the specialist’s office again and have it resent before I was finally able to make an appointment.

I have two pairs of denim capris. They are different brands. I like wearing both of these, very much. But for some reason, only one pair ever shows up in my closet at the same time. At the beginning of the summer, I could not find my Lee capris, but my Sonoma ones were present and accounted for. Something happened a few weeks ago, though, and the Sonoma capris disappeared. Really. They are gone! But guess what? The Lee capris are back. Continue Reading…