Success

Taking a Ride on the Worry Train

March 24, 2017

I am learning I should not believe most of what I think.

I think I know what is true. But really, much of what I think is just plain wrong.

Last week, I worried about my daughter’s chemistry test. Well, I worried about lots of things, but this is the one that most noticeably grabbed my attention. She came home from school one day afraid that she failed her midterm.

Failed?

My worry train chugged out of the station. Because if she failed? (Chug, chug, chug went the train.)  If she failed, her grade in the class could slide! Her GPA might go down! She might not get into the college that she would have gotten into if she hadn’t failed this one thing! Life as we know it could have changed, never to be the same!

It’s what I spent the morning thinking, as I did the dishes and puttered around the house and typed a few words here. I wondered and fretted. I felt sick and nervous. I ruined my own day.

And none of it was true.

First, she didn’t fail the test. She actually did OK.

But more than that?

How do I know that a failing grade would have been a bad thing?

It could be the best thing that ever happened to her. It could be a great gift. Maybe failure here would open a door, or change a situation, or be a foundational event that took her someplace new, exactly where she needed to be.

I say I believe in a good God who loves us and carries us. I know this good God tells me not to worry. Everyday, I try to pray Fr Keating’s Welcoming Prayer, where I say I let go of “my desire for power and control, for survival and security, for affection and approval.”

But it doesn’t take much for me to forget all this and to act as if worldly success is my savior, my daughter’s savior, too.  When will I remember that it’s not?  It’s actually an empty path that leads  away from true happiness, which is found in God’s love and presence alone.

I know nothing of the future. I know nothing.  I need to remind myself of this, over and over. The things that seem so good to me? The things that seem horrible? I need to hold them lightly. What I know for sure is that God loves us and is for us, that all things work together for good, and that it’s not my job to keep it straight or understand it as it unfolds.  To welcome “everything that comes to me today because it’s for my healing” as Fr. Keating says, from the hand of a God who loves me? That is where I want to start. And being free of worry, living without it? That would be wild, and lovely, and new.

Presence

Crabby Day

March 15, 2017

I am crabby.

I am crabby because I hurt my thumb peeling an orange this morning. Who does that? Also, we didn’t refinance our mortgage soon enough and rates keep going up.

These are very middle class reasons to feel crabby.

I am trying to be present, to be here at the kitchen table on a sunny day in this quiet house. The bulbs I planted last autumn are coming up in the front yard. There is green out there again.  But I all too easily forget the green and switch to the news on my phone.  This is not a good idea.

The news reinforces my crabbiness. There doesn’t seem to be much that’s positive- just endless stories that remind me of the nightmare that started January 20.  Today (well, actually a few weeks ago now), President Trump decided that President Obama’s clean water rules were “horrible” and needed to be gutted.  Apparently, clean water is very bad. Also, undocumented immigrants were rushing to get passports for their children who were born here, so they will be able to stay even if their parents are deported.

That breaks my heart.

So, sometimes on days like this the best thing I can do is take my crabby self for a walk. Outside, I finally remember to breathe.  It is a small thing.  Sometimes on a crabby day, that is the best I can do.