It’s not quite Spring, but the Miner’s Lettuce is popping up all over the yard. It gives me hope that the new is emerging in me, too. Like maybe it doesn’t have to be the way it’s always been. Maybe I don’t have to be the way I’ve always been. Something to think about, anyway.

I have a confession.

I have spent much of my life on my knees at the feet of the god of Success. Of course, that’s not the only false god I’ve worshipped. I’ve also spent plenty of time bowing to the gods of Power and Security. But Success is the one who most captured my heart and attention, my fears and longings.

This might be because the god of Success rules over the world of academic achievement. This has always been critically important to me, from the time I started middle school and learned that there were scholarships available at our eighth grade graduation ceremony to students who excelled academically. I made it my mission to earn one of those things. As it turns out, I did. I received a $50 savings bond!  From then on, I had one major goal: always earn the highest grades possible.

The god of Success is the god of all A’s (and above), and 4.5 GPAs, but not the honor roll (of course not the honor roll!) because you can get a B and still make that list, and that’s not good enough. This god presides over the Principal’s List, the Phi Beta Kappa Society, and Honors in the Major. He reminds you that you not only need to be class valedictorian, you need to be the tippy top valedictorian, the one chosen to give the speech at graduation. Because these days, much to this god’s dismay, sometimes there are multiple valedictorians, many students who get all A’s and are deserving. That’s all well and good, but really, you need to claw your way to the top of that heap of overachievers, or realize that you are some kind of a failure.

This is painful to admit and not something I am proud of.

But it’s true.

I always had this agenda for myself. Sadly, I also seem to have had it for my children.  Simply put? All of us at all times need to excel.  We get A’s. There is no other option. That is all.

Fair disclosure and a little irony: I actually didn’t achieve this myself in high school. I got a B in physics my senior year, but since everyone else in my grade over the course of our high school careers got more B’s than that, I still got to be valedictorian. Back in those days, I was the only one. And yes, I got to make the speech at graduation.

I had to achieve this. Because if I didn’t, I would open the door for the probability that things might not go right in my world.

There was no guarantee, of course, that stellar grades would save me, but I was fairly certain that if I didn’t get them, that the chance of things falling apart greatly increased. Continue Reading…